Monday, January 25, 2010

B is for Theist Week

Episodes 1 - 3 found HERE
Episode Four - Tomorrow pls God
But for now.
Break In Transmission

This morning (Sunday), I woke up and decided that you know what… I NOT going to service this morning. I had planned to but you know what… forget it. It wasn’t my church. It’s a neighbourhood church. My church (the people I grew up around) is in the East of the island… I live in the South.

I felt this nagging, nagging sense from since last night (Saturday) to go to the church. But why? Why? Was me going to the people church going to help get me my breakthrough? (Breakthrough: a point in time where your trial ends and you’re able to breathe again spiritually) Was this my season of deliverance? (Season: an allotted time where something happens. Theists believe in Seasons – “to everything there is a season” Ecclesiastes 3:1 – A season of trials etc. At the end of a Season ideally the person may have a better understanding of God/their faith)

Right now they’re singing: “walls are tumbling down so let’s praise His holy name” Funny.

Why do I need to go so badly? What is it that I’m supposed to get? I wondered if I had become “those people” who go to church to get something as opposed to just spending time with the Giver. My mind even went so far as to wonder, “What? Am I going to meet my wife there today?” No that can’t be it. My wife’s ALREADY MARRIED! Chuckle.

I felt a sense a foreboding. Was something going to happen during the week that I should prepare for? Would I hear something that would have changed the course of the week… or my life? You know what, I not going! Not a darn place.

I DO want a breakthrough though…. I’m tired with this anger. I’m tired of… being tired.

It sounds melodramatic but I suspect “something died in me somewhere in 2008. and while I believe in resurrection, I wonder if I care enough to ask for its life back.
Now what’s going to happen is this: - if anything happens MORE out of the ordinary this week, I’ll PROBABLY blame myself for NOT GOING… TO CHURCH! (sigh) Aye Lord!

My tiredness has returned. The minute I decided I’m not going, sleep and tiredness returned to my body. Maybe that’s it! maybe I just need to recharge. Church recharges you for the week ahead. So I’ve found…

I took a shower. Dried. Then spent a couple minutes with one foot in a black pant leg wondering… “should I go boy?” You see, when you believe your life is not your own; that it belongs to God suddenly things like the above tend to happen. I wondered, why was I being disobedient to the nagging voice in my mind? Is this Backsliding? (Backsliding: the act of turning away/walking away from God – usually to follow your own passions)

Or maybe...
Maybe. I haven’t really gone for the year and my theist conscious is acting up again.

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