Wednesday, November 10, 2010

B is for Loathe

a letter to a friend...

You know there are days where you hate the skin you’re in. or rather, the body. when I think skin I think color and let’s face it, women like the dark color because it always implies big penis. How could you go wrong with that? but “body” is a totally different beast to me.

Like now… at this moment, I hate the body that I’m in because it is attached to certain emotions that are not my idea of a fun time.

Mom and I got into an argument some time back and she spoke about showing off. And to be honest I was most offended because I… do not show off. I do not see how wanting the best for one’s family [at any cost- pun included] could be showing off.

But tonight I found out what it really is that I have against me. I hate people. I have a distinct fear of people and that fear causes me to [possibly] show off. It’s been this way since I was little. Every time I walk past a group of people and they look at me; every time I come across people who may be otherwise dense or from whom I get a vibe off of I show off. I NEED to be one up on you. Show you that I think more, can do more, can give more, can BE… MORE!

So when my neighbours who don’t really speak much; who have strange things to say about my family, call a meeting to discuss a children’s Christmas treat and the usual decorating process, I pulled out money to give – to be the first. Not out of genuine care which is a trait I usually have but just to make your puny little human arse know EXACTLY how puny your little human arse is.

I guess this is how loners are really. people scare me for some reason. Especially boys. Not scare as in bite your nails – but this feeling of smallness creeps over me and I need to make you realize how tiny you are.

Do you know the star formations?
Do you know who made the phrase “I am become death” popular?
Do you know/Can you do…?
NO! YOU CAN’T! you can’t even speak like me – not because I have more education than you but because I READ… BITCH! Yes1 I read. And I can do… stuff. Any thing I put my mind towards I CAN DO. Ok maybe some things.

Fear of people leads to showing off in front of people because people are profoundly scary and is perhaps one of the reasons why a). I’m still single and b). I hate here sometime. Here. Earth. I look at the stars and feel free. I watch tv religiously and feel free – dealing with people who don’t know how to deal with people makes me feel like a villain. Because it is the default setting. Funny. VILLAIN is the default setting.

And maybe it’s because I haven’t eaten yet but it’s giving me a queasy feeling in my gut. A theist. Who despises people. who is “fearful” of them.

What a thought.

p.s: i have to chuckle. The Center feared humans too [DC Fans will know what that means iChuckle]

1 comment:

  1. weird...i usually don't lie 2 myself...but in this one regard, i over-rule the usual and convince myself dat i don't like ppl (humans) rather than i loathe ppl, so i won't think dat i'm un-Godly...but truth iz...i despise ppl...maybe it's not so much lying to myself than it is not wanting to accept it, cuz if i accept it...i believe it and if i believe it, it iz given life...

    I shud probably pray about it...but, honestly (ha) i don't want to change it. i kno it'll work out for good if i offer it up to GOD...but still...i don't want to...hmmm.

    wat's more disgusting than a human? a male human. even if i liked humans, i'd still find the males repulsive.

    btw i like the new colour scheme.

    --my mind and my technology are my friends...

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