Tuesday, February 22, 2011

B is for The League of Extraordinary Cutlasses

So Facebook is mourning. Why? A child was snuffed out. How does modern man respond? By blacking out their profile picture.

So Facebook is mourning. Why? Crime has reached intolerable levels for the people of a twin island republic. How does civilized, contemporary society respond? By copying and pasting stern status updates. WE WILL NOT TAKE THIS! SEND A STRONG MESSAGE! COPY AND PASTE THIS ON YOUR STATUS IF YOU WANT A CHANGE!

Not denying that social media has its power. After all, just yesterday I read of a man who – in honor of Facebook’s role in the Egyptian Revolution – named his first child, Facebook. We do not deny that Youtube and the Twitter was a beacon for Tehran, but do note, these social media enterprises merely acted as a catapult for an already serious war on injustice. My people however… are not that serious.

Thus I have decided on a far more satisfying approach. Ladies and Wilderbeasts, I give you, The League of Extraordinary Cutlasses. An organization geared towards the protection of the innocent. The League of Extraordinary Cutlasses will act as guardians; the last and perhaps ONLY CREDIBLE answer to a society gone wrong. We are not vigilantes. As Ra’s Al Ghul once said of vigilantes – “He can be destroyed, or locked up” after all they are just men, but an organization lasts forever because it carries an ideal, it follows a principle that cannot easily be vanquished. “You must become more than just a man in the mind of your opponent.”

Now I HAVE thought this out and here’s how I would prepare my people.
1. I have a few gym fanatic friends – they will train The League, causing us to shed
all insecurities and unnecessary weight. Criminals are strong we must be stronger.

2. I have a friend who is strong in Capoeira – I shall enlist him to teach us not just combat skills, but the discipline to be mentally sharp. Criminals are agile we must be ready.

3. I have a friend, a tall skinny Chinese dude – he will train us in street fighting; how to look into the face of a gun or a dude ten times your size and beat… sorry bring him down to an acceptable level. Criminals are arrogant we must take advantage of their hubris.

4. I know a dude in SAUTT – he will teach us intelligence gathering; how to listen, what to listen for, what are the signs to look out for of a true criminal. Of course this may mean having to actually TALK to him again but ok. In any event, I have a friend who is a Detective or… something. Though he may resist at first, I’m sure I can bring him around to the cause. Criminals use strategy, so will we.

5. I have a friend who is into yoga and such. I shall enlist her for obvious reasons but also it stands to wager she may know the pressure points in the human body… I’ll leave it at that.

The League of Extraordinary Cutlasses does not take lives… we take limbs. We’re not
going out there to beat up people who look lil off. We have targets.

Now then…. Perhaps you are not fond of my methods. Fine. But it is serious and it is
Time that we get serious. If you want a change in your society, get… serious! Even if
you’re going to pray about it, get serious! Get angry enough as if the devil himself was
your rapist or your killer or your thief. Enough with the mamby prayer sessions (though
as a Theist, I will not discount the value of prayer, you know, “to ask that the laws of the
universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy” *yes, yes... whatever)
pray/act/MOVE like you mean it or else… join us….

“The training is nothing! The will is everything! The will to act.” – Henri Ducard
see some real heroes here

* Ambrose Bierce quote