a few nights ago i got a blow out from a friend of mine while i sat at the office prepping a presentation.
i was following the one self-destructive habit that i willingly follow - i was talking to my ex.... my... friend. now to fully understand the heights of that statement, one must first understand that for reasons known and unknown i have yet to fully get over my ex. i don't know if it's love now but what i do feel is anger at the knowledge that the WHY or maybe the WTF is not fully absolved from me. it wasn't until tonight (thursday) as i watched Criminal Minds [(that mom dvr'd) did it fully hit me that i was experiencing some of the stages of grief. but instead of the classic 1. Denial and Isolation. 2. Anger. 3. Bargaining. 4. Depression. 5. Acceptance. Grief And Stress, i've thrown all five in the blender and some flavors become more prominent than others.
i accepted that she has moved on and i accepted that i could've done more or been better but to be honest i was afraid and beyond all that, i didn't want to muck this up - this was feeling like a real grown up relationship. this was cool. she was/is cool. but like i said, some of the other flavors ARE more prominent than others.
my dear friend was not pleased and expressed it by doing that dreaded long distance thing of TYPING WITH ALL CAPS. ALL CAPS LET YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU FRAKKED UP! i still love her. or else, i still want her to resolve me. i am happy that she was happy but now she's not and i am not because i'm her friend and that means i get to hear if not minuscule bits about her current and HIS/THEIR dramas. grief is not just for the dead. or else maybe our definition of dead needs to change to reflect all the broken glass left in the wake of a shattered idea. i'm stuffing my face with crap - cue the santa belly; i secretly (or not so secretly) don't care about anything and i want to see people - all kinds of people suffer. i feel my Theism standing aside as if to say "well alright hoss" very disapprovingly. it's the WHY that sticks at me, the WHY leads to self doubt and the rage i feel.
oh but i'm fine in a minute, just need some time alone = 1. Denial and Isolation.
until i realise how dumb of me to love anyone lest of all a girl such as her =2. Anger.
but... maybe if i shed myself of all this and just BE.... the friend she needs, we'll be ok someday = 3. Bargaining.
meaningless, meaningless every thing is meaningless = 4. Depression.
fine, i'll be alone. this is my fate: to write blogs and books and be successful but never find and understand Love. this is fine. as long as i have money. this is who i am now, good = 5. Acceptance.
and make no mistake people, my dear friend was right and his honesty [while it made me realise i can be a villain for inflicting myself on people] was true [big deal there]. i could handle a buff from him anytime because i know his stance is true... and my mother thinks he looks like a picture of a deity. Classic
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