B is for Out of Heaven

This should have been out Sunday. sigh. Thou shall not over-think too should have been the 11th command... i think.

When I was little I dreamed of the Day of Judgment. I was in a well lit room – it looked like a cave to be honest (and was very bright) - and I was next in line. Now there was a human in front of me and I don’t remember seeing who it was, but what I DO REMEMBER was walking out of the light. Or rather, getting ready to. I figured – oh hell, I’m doomed already [besides, the guy in front of me seemed to really be getting grilled]. So I turned to walk out of the well lit judgment hall and this being who was next to me [I assumed he was my guardian] said to me basically “where are you going?”. I got the feeling that he was genuinely concerned that I was giving up or maybe he knew I was already “in” but you know what they say: hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

In my [frequent] depressed states about/with God, this dream pops in my mind and I wonder. It’s funny. While millions of people are trying desperately to enter Heaven, I possess the uncanny ability to walk OUT of the place.

Now [for the sake of this entry] I’m not talking really about a hidden country just outside the realm of space [outside the realm of space – what the heck does that mean?]. no, I’m speaking about love. I’ll give you a minute to make the linkage.

…..

No?

…..

Let’s continue then. I seem to have become besotted with a cool friend of mine. On the surface, this is a good thing. I have a need to get to know her better – find out what makes her one of the young gods and all that. Of course, with that comes the list of reasons logical and otherwise illogical about why I should stay in my corner.

Reasons, that ask the question: “Do you like her because….”

Take Joanna for example. I had just moved in to a new community and the shop owner had a daughter I would be friends [and defacto history teacher] with her and I did like her. However, I began to analyse “Tracy, do you like her because she is like Sabita?” they both were fair, a lil shorter than me and gorgeous among other things.

Mind you this is a totally different human but after careful analysis I had properly psyched myself out of a possible good thing. I did buy Pastelles from her family though. Damn fine….

Walking out of heaven. I do it all the time.

Is it that she reminds me of an ex?

Is it because she shares qualities with X or Y girl in which case – am I giving her justice or making her a surrogate?

One set of inane logics that lead to… well nothing.

Walking away from what could be good for me. Walking out of heaven.

Then there’s the oh-I’ll-wait-till-I’m-more-financially-secure-to-go-after-anyone.

I got a job, a creative spark and credit card but hey… I’m … still not going out because… I don’t have a car. Of course, whenever I’m working late or going out late I just ORDER a taxi [which is basically calling up a friend of mine and paying him] so… [Dramatic pause…. Crickets]… SO NOTHING!

It’s a very funny thing. I give advice to all because I believe in the happiness of those whom I come into contact with. I am quite the mad writer/documentarist [new word] and I am relatively brilliant but when it comes to the daughters of men… I just sign my own death certificate.

iChuckle. Just another excuse to walk out of Heaven.

I realize now that maybe the guardian next to me didn’t mean “where are you going?” in the surface sense. I suspect now that he meant: “Why are you giving up? Give yourself a fighting chance here! State your case?”

Maybe this time I don’t walk out of heaven until I’ve said my piece [peace].

God I have to do the swimming thing now. Must be fit again [Hahahahaha. Choke.]