It’s been three years that I’ve been in love… in lust… in something with one of my exes.
But it is only this week, moreover this weekend did I feel both a sense of relief and pain that it was over. It is finally over for me and that is… good.
I’ve been in love with my ex from the time I realized it. Didn’t tell her though. One time I told her “I think I’m in love with you” – I knew I was. Grief, I knew I was a long time now but between my personal jargon and things that I noticed or whatever I don’t think it came out really. How silly.
I called her Saul’s Harpist. The sound of that giggling/chuckling over the phone made smile and… good.
SIDEBAR: Okay for those who don’t know, King Saul was the first King dude of Israel. He was good until he was not and then he started to be disturbed. That is, until his son’s friend – the one who would later take his throne – David would play his harp or sing his psalms. The sound of it all soothed David because the Spirit of God was on him and no longer on Saul. Now you know what that means.
I remember a Sunday in November at the home I was… house-sitting, she came and I have to tell you that was the best and most peaceful Sunday evening I had had in YEARS. The hilarity of two bodies crouched in a green leather recliner will never be lost on me. Stupidly, I said out to the Universe that if I NEVER get an ounce of happiness again, the memory of the Sunday afternoon will carry me through.
SIDEBAR: if you’re with a girl and the phone rings… kill it! kill it till it dead!*
Of course it ended. The best way I always put it is – she entered my life as a whirlwind and left as a cool breeze. But we remained friends. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to work anyways. But grief I hoped. Even as she told her “friend” about these new fools in her life [sorry hon, they were], I kind of hoped. I never truly understood What the Baltar we had [in terms of definition] nor could I sense finality [closure?] to the whole scene. Until
Recently, I realized that a good friend of mine was not just pretty cool; not just pretty and cool but I realized one of my good friends was what I wanted. And for the first time in a while I felt… true. I felt that I could pursue this one. That, even though crap over crap was happening around and inside me I still could have a dumb smile on my face.
It was over. For me. At last. There’s a hint of pain or else it’s grief/mourning about it but you know what, I’m relieved to feel it. I’m relieved that I’m not sitting down angry at times at how she’s moved on while I sit and wish; or that it serves no point saying anything because… just because I guess. I don’t want to go into it.
I’m thinking how much I failed to rescue her. not that she needed “rescuing” in that sense but love is a kind of rescue isn’t it? I had asked for a goddess [again… monotheist asking the impossible :-)], she saw me as a god, we were both wrong.
I’m sorry. I really am. I’m sorry that for reasons known and unknown I/we couldn’t make it work. I’m sorry we had to experiment that whole scene. And maybe I’m over thinking the whole thing but I never really got over you. But I finally feel free to move on.
I think my dear friend and brother was right. To grossly paraphrase him, you never really “get over” but you do get the ability to move on to something new. I’m sure that’s not what he said but I can’t remember and I’m going to credit him anyways.
And even if my [already in motion] plan doesn’t work I am one step closer to where I need to be. lord Oberon of the fairies :-)
Tracy j H
* Kill it till it dead the audio track here